Re-connect, this Reunion

Dong, Dong, Qiang! Chinese New Year is just around the corner! Perhaps the top three things that come to mind at the mention of Chinese New Year would be Firecrackers, Ang Pows and, of course, the Reunion Dinner.

The ritualistic family reunion is one of the Chinese traditions that I cherish most. My memories of Chinese New Year celebrations as a child are mainly centered around the many extended family reunion dinners we had, where we could catch up with cousins near and far, and of course, the bonus of receiving ang pows from the adults.

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Like most gatherings of human beings - there could be some family members and friends that we may find it difficult to connect with. But this is what family reunion is all about - it is about embracing each other, regardless of shape or size. It is about celebrating family - a sense of belonging. The truth is, we mostly cannot choose whom we are related to, but we can either choose to let such relations spoil our celebrations or choose to find ways to connect as best we can.

Empathy is a much needed skill for these times. Knowing we are family is not good enough. To be able to feel the connectedness is important to make the reunion meaningful. Remember the last time you teared when you heard somebody else's painful encounter? Remember the time when you felt so angry because someone else suffered an injustice? That, is our innate ability to empathise. We have the ability, now it's time to use it by showing it.

This New Year, if we want to re-connect, we must remember to bring our hearts along to the reunion. We must listen to others not only with our ears, but also with our hearts. How do we open our hearts to connect better? I am reminding myself that these are some "pitfalls" I need to watch out for...

Grace vs Judgment

One of the biggest obstacle to empathy is a judgmental attitude. Being judgmental stops us from empathising - it puts a much stronger bias to our interpretation of the things we hear and see. I remember a story of a mother-in-law who complained of her daughter-in-law incessantly. For a long time, many people looked at the daughter-in-law in disdain, wondering how she could be so inconsiderate, and even cruel, towards the old lady. It was not until much later that they realised the mother-in-law had, on many occasions, wrongly accused the daughter-in-law. For example, when her son came home to give money to her without her daughter-in-law who was busy at work, the mother-in-law had gone around telling relatives that her son had to resort to giving her money secretly because the daughter-in-law had forbidden the son from giving her money. When some of these came to light, people's perception of the daughter-in-law changed. I am reminded that we must learn to withhold judgment on others based on what we see or hear. Very often, we are quick to judge, and that affects the way we think of others - and these thoughts very quickly affect the way we behave and respond.

The antidote to judgment is grace. This new year, let us resolve to be more gracious to one another - to stop ourselves from jumping into conclusions but to remind ourselves to be more generous with the benefits of doubt. Maybe, just maybe, there are things that we do not know, circumstances that we do not understand. And remember, very often, we too need grace to be shown to us.

Pride vs Humility

I have often caught myself saying this, whether out loud, or in my head - "He deserves it, he shouldn't have done that in the first place". Which one of us had never made decisions that we had subsequently regretted or taken actions that we too, wish we did not? Let us remind ourselves that we are all struggling in our little world, to make things better from our point of view. We may not agree with each other, but that does not mean that our point of view is necessarily the only one.

Pride comes when we uphold our personal perception as the correct or superior one. It reminds me of the story of the six blind men and the elephant. When asked to describe the elephant, the blind man that was feeling the tail explained that the elephant was like a rope. The blind man that was feeling the body of the elephant argued that the elephant was like a wall, and so on. Who are we to insist on having the better point of view? We are all blind men trying to figure life out in our own way. So let us put down our pride and be ready to accept that there are other ways to look at life, to deal with life and to respond to life. That is the choice we all have, and we must respect each other's choices.

Others vs Self

This is the world of the "I"s. To connect with others, we need to put down not just our iPads and our iPhones, but to put away a little more of the "I, Me and Myself".

Family reunion is a good time to learn to put others above self, to remind ourselves that sometimes, respect must be accorded to the "chair", even if the person is not exactly the most likable. I remind myself that elders are to be respected and honoured, regardless of whether I agree with their views or not. At official functions I follow protocols for the VIP, regardless of whether I actually think highly of the person. I have to be polite to the Chairman at the Board of Directors' Meeting, regardless of whether I think he has what it takes to be the Chairman. The truth is, I have to show some respect to the position, the "chair". The same should also apply in the home, if we want to preserve some level of harmony. Sometimes our personal opinions need to be subservient to our commitment for family unity.

The other way that SELF can be an obstacle to empathy is when we misuse our personal experiences. Instead of using our experiences to assist us to empathise, we look at others' circumstances and we say, "Oh, that's nothing, I had it a lot worse!" It could even be a case of hearing a joke and then saying, "Oh, that's not so funny, I have an even funnier one!" To really connect, we need to put more of the SELF down, and pick up more of the OTHER - to use our personal experiences to remind ourselves how it felt, and to connect with how others must have felt in similar circumstances.

And so as we prepare the food, the budget and the logistics for the coming reunion, let us also prepare our hearts. May we all try to reconnect with others this reunion, to start the new year with a little more grace and love, and learn not just to tolerate or accept, but to celebrate family. Because this, ultimately, is what reunion is all about.

Here's wishing a very Happy Chinese New Year to all who are celebrating - may the Year of the Goat (or Ram or Sheep, as you prefer) bring you all that you have been hoping for, and more.